Their own modern, private monarchy?

Mark Steel. "Royal Mail is to blame for our broken society (obviously)".

"The Post office unions can't obstruct modernisation," insists Peter Mandelson. That must be why Mandelson has the thoroughly modern job title of Lord, because he's not afraid to modernise. And no one could accuse his place of work, the House of Lords, of resisting modernisation. Every member of staff is at the cutting edge of new technology, making use of the very latest developments in ermine gowns, and overmanning is unheard of as every single Lord is essential and oozes infectious youthful hereditary energy for the benefit of Britain.

If only the Post Office unions would agree to being that modern, then their sacks would be carried by equerries, and attendance would be around 5 per cent of the workforce, who would take it in turns to stand up with a parcel, shake it for a couple of minutes, then say "Am I delivering this or receiving it, I don't recall?" and sit down again.

Presumably, what is meant by "modernise" is privatised. Then, as they're delivering your mail postmen can say "Would you like a pastry with your bills this morning? No? In that case are you aware I could also supply you with gas?" And each postman could get sponsorship, and cycle along whistling 'You can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter'. Eventually they'll be properly modern, like the water companies who were fined £12m for providing a dreadful service and lying to cover it up, or the hugely popular gas companies

Shoes of Mass Destruction?

Mark Steel, "To George Bush, his critics are just lone difficult schoolboys"

If only he could have done it a week earlier, Muntazer al-Zaidi's display of hurling shoes at George Bush would have been unbeatable in the vote for Overseas Sports Personality of the Year. It was especially brilliant given that one of the ways international security has tightened at potential targets is to check for explosives hidden in people's shoes. Now in Baghdad the security forces will grabbing people and saying, "Can I look inside your bag of semtex, to check you're not using it to conceal a pair of sandals."

Film of the incident is the most popular clip in the world, and confirms Bush's presidency as ending in humiliation, as if he's some foul old relative that's round for Christmas, and all of America is muttering, "How much bloody longer is he staying? Another five weeks? Can't we drive out to Alaska and leave him with a pack of seals? Surely THAT can't be unconstitutional."

To reinforce his image, his response to the thrown shoes was to suggest that Mr al-Zaidi was "just trying to draw attention to himself." Yes that's it. He might say it was a protest about the war and occupation, but really he's an exhibitionist who was turned down for Iraq's Got Talent so he threw the shoes as a desperate attempt to get on the telly ....

.... The attention-seeking al-Zaidi has been charged with a "barbaric and ignominious act". Which could be considered ironic, given that his complaint is that Bush has caused a million deaths, ethnic cleansing and swiped the bulk of the country's resources. Whereas al-Zaidi threw shoes and called Bush a "dog". It's like if Josef Fritzl's daughter said, "You've been a pig to me Dad," and he replied "Oh how barbaric. I know we've had our differences but there's no need for language like THAT."

The Punch Line #2

Mark Steel, "Workers unite! And turn Balmoral into an allotment "

So now all these same people ponder how it went wrong, puzzling who's to blame for not seeing it coming. But capitalism is ordered in such a way that the people making millions couldn't possibly see it coming. Because the banks and dealers and major shareholders are all in competition.

So imagine getting up at the shareholders' meeting of Bradford & Bingley or some Icelandic company three years ago, and declaring the bank should lend less money, slow down the property boom, stop speculating and be responsible to help prevent a crash. The rest of the board would have called an ambulance and insisted you were sectioned as you must be hearing voices. Because if their bank didn't cash in on the boom, all the other banks would, leaving them to fall behind and probably get taken over.

They had to believe in the pursuit of bonuses based on rising shares and property prices, just as a priest can't do his job unless he believes to some extent in God.

So all these inquests about why the banks have failed society seem pointless. They didn't fulfil society's needs because that's not their aim. Their aim is to make as much profit as possible for their shareholders. You might as well ask a sportsman why he failed to defend the near post at corners, and wonder why you get the reply "Because I'm a tennis player".

Bailout: A View From Across the Pond

Mark Steel, "Quick! These bankers need rescuing"

You see – even in this crisis, all they're thinking about is the American people. They've never wanted the burden of accepting unimaginable salaries for buying and selling the same stuff, but they've soldiered on out of love for the American people. Well it's time they understood there's such a thing as being TOO selfless, and took a moment to consider themselves for once.

Their complaint was the failure to approve a $700bn bailout of failing finances, but it's even worse than they fear. Because according to one commentator, one reason why politicians rejected the deal was that "they were receiving letters from the public running at 40 to one disapproving it".

So it's not just politicians, but the American people who are against the American people. Some of them, for example, might consider that $130bn to provide a National Health plan for all Americans for two years would be a better use of funds. Those poor traders must hold their heads in their hands and sigh: "It's just 'me me me' with some people, isn't it?"

The Punch Line #1

Mark Steel, "Labour and a bout of mutual loathing"

Never again, the idea went, would the party go into an election with ideas that were clearly a minority view in the country. Yet every possible contender for leader still backs the Iraq war, and no one who opposed it from the start will be allowed near the contest. Or to put it another way, the 11 years of New Labour government were summed up by the cricket commentary on Test Match Special. A commentator was complaining about the rigorous security at the ground, as it had taken 45 minutes to get in.

Then suddenly up popped the voice of Geoff Boycott, saying "You've Tony Blair to thank for that." "I'm sorry," said the first commentator. "He was told," said Geoffrey, "that if he went around causing wars there'd be an increased risk of terrorism, but he took no notice, he thought he knew best." You could feel the BBC governors shrieking, "Shut him up – tell him he couldn't play fast bowling or something," but Geoffrey was adamant.

So there we are – back in 1997 none of us, not the most cynical, realised that a New Labour government would end up being chastised for being too pro-war and pro-America, on Test Match Special by Geoffrey bloody Boycott. No wonder they're shafted.

Let Them Eat ... Uh ... Let Them Buy Arms

Mark Steel, "If the poor of Africa are hungry, send them arms"

It's arguable there isn't a food shortage at all. According to the World Hunger Education Service, there are now 17 per cent more calories produced per person each day than there were 30 years ago. The problem is that, for example, in India, while 48 per cent of children under five are malnourished, in 2004 they exported one-and-a-half-billion dollars' worth of rice to meet trade agreements.

But instead the most common solution offered is that Africa has to attract the free market, and then trade itself out of hunger. Kofi Annan, on Monday's Newsnight agreed with this, in his amiable helpless way. There was no alternative, he said, to attracting Chinese trade, regardless of their human rights records or whether that trade will encourage the dictators they trade with. Because that's what the starving need – people who are prepared to make a few quid out of them.

The only flaw is that these people are already the ones who've wrecked the place. In Nigeria entire villages were uprooted to make room for Shell Oil. In Tanzania the water supply was sold off to a consortium, which spent a huge chunk of Tanzanian public money and was so disastrous even the World Bank kicked them out. In South Africa tens of thousands were left without electricity after privatisation.

But the more chaos these companies cause, the more we're told they're the only answer. Maybe that's how these companies advertise, with little boxes in the Yellow Pages that say "Balfour Beatty – making disaster come faster". Or they send out leaflets that say: "Not long ago no one had heard of the Shanto region of Ethiopia. But since Unimax Ltd. forced the farmers to make cheap coffee for export, many inhabitants now feature regularly on Christmas charity videos! Unimax – we put the star into starvation."

The Hole in the Wall

Steel, Mark. "Not a shopping spree, just a taste of freedom"

Occasionally there's a news story that can be presented as so jolly everyone must find it heartening – Havant and Waterlooville scoring against Liverpool, kittens rescued from chimneys, that Indonesian dictator bastard dying this week, that sort of thing.

You might think the escape of hundreds of thousands of people from the siege in Gaza would come under this category. On the point of starvation, with almost no fuel, electricity or medical supplies, they've blown up the wall at the border and danced into Egypt, smiling and waving at the reporters. They're such merry scenes you imagine reporters spluttering the way they did when the Americans marched into Baghdad, when they came out with stuff like "This old man behind me is so jubilant he has quite literally burst into flames with joy" ....

.... But instead it's been reported as just about acceptable, but not the sort of unruly behaviour to be approved of. Or it's seen as frivolous, such as the report in The New York Times that reads: "Palestinians used a bulldozer to knock down a portion of the wall and continue a shopping spree." A shopping spree? Do they think the leadership of Hamas said: "Oooh my goodness, have you seen the spring collection on display in the Sinai Desert branch of Debenhams? They've got the cutest little calf-length boots that were made with me in mind. If I don't have them I'll die – get the Semtex and the detonator."